Monday, June 25, 2007

Missing It Enough to Find It...

I kinda had a meltdown today. It was actually quite humorous! It all started when i asked the bus driver to get a transfer for the next bus. In her very snotty tone she replied, "I don't have any!"(with a sharp jolting action in her neck, very comparible to violent heaving or a seizure). I then asked her, "Then how am i going to transfer buses? Do i have to pay for the next bus again?" She then lashes back with, "That's not my responsibility!" Needless to say, this set me off!!!!! I started to get red and then blurted out, "Oh yes it is your responsibility, bitch!" BAD IDEA! (Now let me take a moment to say that i apologize for this reaction, and it was due to high levels of stress and boredom at my internship today).

She slammed on the brakes, pulled over to the nearest intersection, and opened the door! Without being told, i walked off the bus, and didn't look back. What had i done? I was about to learn how to walk because i apparently couldn't learn how to hold my tongue! This was not how i pictured the day going. I had had the worst day at work, the reality of me moving to Los Angeles had just come crashing down on me in the past couple days, and i was extremely hot and irritable. Justification for calling her a bitch?...not really, but it made me feel better for the split second in time between the profanity and the bus jolting to a halt.

Walking down the side walk in the Los Angeles heat was really starting to get to my head. I looked around to see the poverty and misery that i was walking through as though i was above it, and then a sweet little mexican woman smiled at me and handed me a flower. I handed over two dollars and a tear came into my eyes and she smiled at me and said, "God Bless." Whether i want to believe that i'm here all alone, i'm not. God is truly watching over me. Why can't i contemplate this idea? Why do i want to do this alone without a source of strength and insite? Do i really feel it to be beneficial?

As my ipod went onto the next album in its library, Michael W. Smith's Freedom Album, the piano started to play, the sun caught my eye, and for a moment in time, i really understood where i was in the world. I was no better than that wonderful mexican woman on the street peddling flowers, and who was i to even think i was superior to her? Thoughts of back home, family, friends, and most of all the sense of security i no longer had came flooding into my mind, and went pouring down my face. It was incredible. It was such a cleanse. I just let it flow. Walking down Santa Monica Blvd was the most pathetic, but truly real version of who i am. I'm a very weak, but very talented guy...and all that i can ask of myself, is that i capture the reality of that moment in time, and stay true to that reality throughout.

1 comment:

Suzanne said...

Brian,
This is a great post.
God bless you in your new job. Just by what I've read here, I think you'll do great!